If you can't amaze them with your brilliance ...

Then stun them with your craziness. I decided this will be my new motto in life.

The other day I was waiting to turn left at a red light when I noticed some commotion on the sidewalk to my right. Apparently two high school boys, about 15 or 16 years old, were walking on the sidewalk and one of them somehow caused a guy to fall off his scooter. I don't know if it was intentional or not but my guess is that it was not.

The scooter guy was in his mid-40s, short and stocky. And he was mad. He had fallen on his face and his upper lip was bleeding a bit.

He started pushing the high school kid around and the kid pushed back.

This kind of road rage is very typical after an accident in Beijing. Usually the two parties lunge at each other and their friends or family restrain them, harsh words are exchanged, and then they calm down and go about the business of negotiating responsibility for the accident.

But this squabble was to be different.

Scooter Guy reeled back and punched High School Kid hard in the nose. His glasses went flying and his nose started bleeding profusely.

I realized this fight might be getting out of hand.

Scooter Guy shoved High School Kid, who fell backwards. Then he straddled High School Kid and started choking him.

I decided it was definitely out of hand and I should do something.

I quickly checked the three lanes to my right and thank goodness, no cars were approaching. So I pulled my car out of the turning lane and navigated my Honda Odyssey so I was perpendicular across the three lanes. If this sounds awkward, well ... it was, but fortunately it put me just about 10 feet away from the dueling couple on the sidewalk. I rolled down my window and it was at this moment I realized -

I had no idea what I was going to say. I needed to mediate a heated fight ... in Mandarin ...

Here's what I came up with after .75 seconds of contemplation -

"Do you need me to call ... 102?"

They both gave me this stunned look. I glared back at them, cell phone in hand, trying to look like I was crazy enough to call the police if needed.

And I probably did look plenty crazy right then, considering that the number for the police is 120, not 102.

Misguided as it might have been, my threat had the desired effect. They stopped fighting. I'm not sure if it was because:
a) they didn't want me to call the police.
b) they had no idea what I was saying but they figured a crazy foreign woman was more of a threat to them than they were to each other.
c) it gave them a chance to pause and realize they were over-reacting.
d) something else.

Anyway they stood up and Scooter Guy gave a tissue to High School Kid. Then they found his glasses hanging in the branches of a nearby bush.

Scooter Guy got on his bike and drove away. High School Kid started walking again. I pulled myself into the right direction in traffic.

And we will all live to fight another day.

Can you kill a rabbit with bok choy?

The movie was supposed to be a reward for studying hard.

Because Grant studied so well with his tutor on Saturday morning, I let them go to the movies in the afternoon. When I went to pick them up afterwards Grant looked so incredibly happy. "Wow, the movie was just the right thing," I thought.

Not quite.

He was happy because his tutor had bought 2 white rabbits for him. One for him and one for Audrey.

Now before you get all "awwww" on me, let me say he used my money to buy the rabbits.

The kids were thrilled.

I was not.

Because seriously - owning a pet is a big deal. It should be something you enter into after a great deal of thought and preparation. Not an impulse purchase.

Our family is sooooooo not ready to take care of another mammal. I could stretch that word "so" out from here to Ontario and it would still not convey how not ready we are.

I have trouble taking care of the 4 hearts that are already beating in this house. I can not handle any more. I love the way Kristen put it a few days ago - I have to avoid any activities "that would deplete my time, money, and sanity (three dangerously low resources right now)."

But anyway, we were proud pet owners. The kids adored them. I resigned myself to them. Buddy is on a business trip so he didn't care either way. Isn't it amazing sometimes how these things transpire while the partners are out of town?

The pet store gave Grant some strange advice when they sold him the rabbits. They said not to give them water. And make sure that any food we gave them was dried out.

Is that weird? I thought that was weird. I checked several pet care websites and none of them say that.

Last night I decided the rabbits needed some bok choy with a few drops of water on it. I mean, I think rabbits actually need water and even if they don't, surely it wouldn't kill them! Grant begged me not to do it. But I explained to him that all living things need water. It's a law of nature.

Both rabbits died overnight.

Guilt and relief, they are playing tug-of-war with my heartstrings today. Right now guilt is winning, as it always does.

At first I was sad that during our short time with the rabbits I never got to take pictures of the them. But then I realized.

I have kids.

I have an iPhone.

OF COURSE I have pictures of the rabbits!

Do I need a breathalizer for playdates now?

One of Grant's friends came by today and wanted to play but Grant was studying so I asked him to come back at 5:00.

The kid was drinking something that looked like a beer.

I looked more closely and discovered that it was a Bacardi Breezer.







He's 8.

I asked him if he knew what he was drinking.

"Fruit juice," he said.

"Yeah, and rum. Do you know what rum is?" I wanted to check for understanding because depending on whether I got my Chinese tones right, I might have said "rum" and I might have said "spicy wood".

"Yeah, my mom lets me drink it all the time," he said.

I have a feeling his mom does not let him drink rum (or spicy wood) all the time. I'm interested to see what state he's in when he comes back at 5:00.

Update: He sat outside our building and drank the rest of his Bacardi Breezer, then came back with the empty bottle. I asked him how he felt and he said fine.

I give you the empty bottle, which he left in my front hallway, as evidence. Please also take a moment to appreciate the orange table runner that I bought at the Silk Market last week. Isn't it beautiful?

How Tough Is Your Love?

The other day I was explaining to my kids what tough love is.

I told them about my friend Steve, whose mom kicked him out of the house when he was sixteen for something so terrible he never would tell me what it was.

But anyway Steve called me from the YMCA one day and asked if I could bring him some groceries. Things that didn't need to be refrigerated because he didn't have a fridge.

Now as a mom I know that Steve's mom's heart was breaking.

My kids asked if I would ever kick them out of the house. "If you ever did drugs in here then yes, I would kick you out," I said.

Audrey looked shocked. She looked at my husband.

I looked at my husband.

He smiled.

So I said what all of us were thinking.

"But don't worry, Daddy would come pick you up from the YMCA a couple of hours later."

Dear Singapore,

Hello you lush little island, it's been a while since I've written to you. How've you been? I'm good, it's been dry lately in Beijing.

You probably noticed your population increased by one this week and I want to make sure you recognize the significance here - for that one person who landed on your shores this week is none other than Dalton Dorne.

Here are four reasons you are going to love your newest inhabitant.

1. The name!
I mean really, Dalton Dorne (dor-nay) - could it get any more fabulous? When you say that name in your head does it not absolutely sparkle? And she is as brilliant as her name, let me tell you.

2. The accessories
This girl has her jewelry, scarves and bags working for her. And I am not alone in admiring her knack for accessorizing. Once she lost one of these earrings



and when she told us about it at dinner one night, I saw more than one girlfriend furtively wiping away a tear.

3. Her graciousness
We went for a girls' weekend at a hot springs resort a couple of weeks ago - it was our final hurrah before Dalton left Beijing. We arrived there and found that there was a grand total of ONE hot spring within a 100-meter radius of our hotel room.

I should clarify that there were in fact 20 springs right outside our room, however none of them had WATER.

You wouldn't think to clarify that point when you call up to make a reservation at a hot springs resort now, would you? (Now these hot springs - do they have water in them?)

Well you should.

Anyway you know what gracious Dalton Dorne did? She jumped into that one hot tub and did not leave until the very last girlfriend was shriveled up like a prune and ready to collapse in the bed.

Wait, she did leave the hot tub once. But it was only to get a cork screw.

4. Her story-telling abilities
She has the best stories. Remember when you were nine and you would call the local radio station and ask the deejay to play "Eye of the Tiger" 100 times?

Maybe islands didn't do that.

Well, I'm like that with Dalton and her stories. I love to hear her tell the story of the time she and Helen tried to get a receipt for the toilet they bought at B&Q. Or the time she and Dom stayed up the whole night and then went to meet a tour group for a cross-country bus trip. Or the time her she had to fire a housekeeper.

My only consolation is the fact that she blogs so I can still get her stories that way. But it won't be as fun without her gestures and tone of voice.

5. Her husband and kid

I know I said four things but I thought of one more. So cane me already.

Dalton is bringing her husband Dom and her daughter Niamh (pronounced "Neeve", please start practicing this now) to your luscious shores.

Niamh is going to tell it to you straight. She will call it like her 3-year-old self sees it. Get the durian out of the subway. Niamh has arrived.

Dom holds everything together so that Dalton can do the traveling that her job requires. He is one of the most supportive husbands and loving fathers you'll ever meet and if you're lucky he'll write some articles about you for the local magazines.

Please take good care of Dalton. Send her back to us every once in a while. Thanks in advance, Singapore.

love,
melanie

These are some friends I have actually met

I talked about my blogosphere friends as if they were actually friends. Because they are!

The fact that we haven't met is irrelevant.


Nie Nie is my friend who gave me the world's best pear-granola muffin recipe. (Just go preheat your ovens to 350 right now and then click on that link, you will thank me later.)

And I have a friend named Stretchmark Mama who sends me lists of the books she's reading and it always makes me want to read more. Like this book she recommended last week - "You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in the Morning."

Penelope is my friend who gives me things to talk about at parties. Did you know for example that we all make a choice in life to be either interesting or happy - but not both? And if you haven't read Penelope's blog, you're probably choosing the latter.

Christin and I met in Penelope's comments section. Her life is the life I would lead if I had taken that job offer in Chicago, instead of the one in Monterey. But sadly I would not have her hair.

Jocelyn is so much like me it's scary. We're both American women with Chinese husbands and we look alike! Seriously - look at her picture on this post and tell me if we are not twins.

I could go on and on.

Now I want to switch gears and introduce to you some blogosphere friends that I have actually met. Shocking, I know. I met the Fishs in the airport and we talked for about 10 minutes but it was long enough for me to get their blog URL. They were in China to adopt a little girl and they posted a picture she drew of her new family. This line brought tears to my eyes, "Two months ago she had no family. Now she has pages full of them!"

I hope you enjoy clicking around on these links, and that some of these bloggers become your friends that you have never met too. I'll introduce some others to you later.

SPAM: nutritious and delicious (sometimes)

My dad sends me a ton of spam. I bet I have the entire contents of snopes.com in my email archives. But I love it because it shows me that my dad is up and checking his email and thinking of me. I don't care if I get viruses every once in a while, it's important to know that gojoepro is plugged in.

The other day I discovered a piece of wisdom in one of Dad's emails. It was something I needed to hear right at that moment.

"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass. It's about learning to sing in the rain."


Have you ever seen SPAM that nailed it like that? I don't think so.

It's true - it's too easy to waste our days wishing that they were over. We wish it was Friday, long for Christmas, hang in there until the day the kids grow up and go to college. When in fact life is really about the Tuesdays and the March 2nds and the crazy days when the kids are tugging at your necklace.

If you're still not smiling yet then please look at this picture of a 25-foot crocodile carrying a 12-point deer in its mouth, compliments of gojoepro. This is spam at its very finest, folks.

We could be that deer. I'm just sayin'.

So it's not okay to give your kid's teacher a digital camera...?

While we were in the U.S. at Christmas Buddy bought a digital camera for Grant's teacher. Mrs. Wang was Audrey's homeroom teacher for two years and now she's Grant's homeroom teacher so we feel close to her. She's played a big role in our kids' education.

Now a digital camera is kind of extravagant and not something I would give a teacher in the States, however I tend to defer to Buddy on these sorts of things because he grew up here and I figure he knows what's acceptable.

We wrapped up the camera and sent it to school with Grant last week.

Today the camera came back with Grant, neatly wrapped back up in the wrapping paper.


When I asked Buddy why the teacher returned it he said it was probably too expensive.

You guys know I love this man more than life itself but he is useless when it comes to explaining any of life's mysteries.

Dear readers, can some of you shed some more light on this for me? Do students ever give their teachers gifts in China? If so, what is appropriate?

And for that matter, what do we do in the US? I don't remember ever giving a teacher a present. Is it done today? If so what's a typical gift?

Wear This or That?

I don't know about you but when I was a teenager, any outfit I was going to wear to a significant event (a trip to the mall, a day at school, a Civinettes pancake breakfast) had to have a stamp of approval from at least two of the women in my family. The women in my family were my mom and my three sisters.

Then when I was 17 I moved to Germany for a year as an exchange student. I got dressed for the first day of school and modeled my outfit for my host family. Their reaction was a mixture of confusion and disapproval. You see it turns out I had landed in a place where academics were actually the reason people went to school. Not fashion!

(I had this one classmate in Germany who wore the same sweater every single day of the week. He just changed the shirt underneath the sweater. And that was okay!)

(With everyone else. Not really with me.)

Over the years life has taken me further and further away from the women in my family and today I am half a world away from them. But this morning my baby sister Amanda sent me a website that can bring them back into my circle of wardrobe consultants.

It's called http://wearthisorthat.com and it's exactly what it sounds like.

People post pictures of themselves in a couple of outfits and you vote on which looks better.

If you go there please be on the lookout for said baby sister Amanda, who is asking for feedback on her wedding dress.

Please do not adjust your screen, one of the dresses is indeed orange.

Option #1


Option #2

My Sister Christi is Awesome - Part 2

One thing I never grow tired of is gushing about my sister Christi.

Christi Parsons, White House correspondent for the Chicago Tribune.

She started her journalistic career as the editor for the Central High School Falcon Flyer in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. And look at her today! She covers the President of the United States.



She flies on Air Force One, you know.

I was perusing her bookshelf last summer and I found this one book that looked interesting. So I started flipping through it and I found the bookmark was a menu from Air Force One.

As a bookmark?!

In my house that menu would be framed and hanging above the mantle!!!

This is probably why they don't let me on Air Force One.

So anyway, Christi recently appears on the Gwen Ifill show. Please watch her here and leave me a comment telling me how smart and GORGEOUS she is.

I know, I totally know.